There is a popular candy bar commercial on the air now that never fails to crack me up. Here's a quick re-cap for anyone without a television set: A guy is in the back seat of a car with Aretha Franklin. He accuses the Diva of being "a diva" when he's hungry and offers him a candy bar. Immediately Aretha Franklin becomes a man eating a candy bar. With some food, his buddy is no longer a Diva. That's when the camera pans to a grumpy Liza Minelli in the front seat. Moral of our commercial: people become grumpy divas when they're hungry. www.youtube.com/watch?v=zLrsCnBvQFo
That said, Other Half and I went Christmas shopping today. And we were both hungry, thus, you had Liza Minelli and Aretha Franklin in the car together. It wasn't pretty.
The Divas
Wake up in a good mood. Swill down enough caffeine to wake up a dead mule. Discuss plans for the day. Note that we have a busy day planned and Other Half is piddling. Suggest that perhaps our time would be better spent if we split up and he did his chores, and I did my chores. Aretha Franklin vetos that. Okay then. Go feed sheep, horses, and young heifers. Note that Ruffy, the Evil Red Miniature Horse does not come in for breakfast.
Begin to really worry until Other Half points out that Ruffy is in the rye grass pasture where he DOES NOT BELONG! Other Half also points out that the heifers have also done the limbo through the fence and have also been dining at the Rye Grass Buffet. This is a disaster. They have reduced an entire pasture of rye grass to nothing. The grass is so short now that it looks like I've turned the sheep on it. That's about when Liza Minelli entered the picture. Aretha Franklin assures Liza Minelli that since he is off work all next week, he could put up an electric fence to keep Evil Ruffy and The Evil Heifers from slithering into the winter groceries. Liza Minelli is satisfied and soon Liza and Aretha Franklin are en route to Yuppy Land to shop for Christmas presents with every Homicidal-Soccer-Mom-Slurping-Starbucks-Coffee-Behind-The-Wheel-Of-A-Lexus-In-Three-Counties. Since Aretha & Liza are Hungry-Divas-who-rarely-shop-at-any-place-other-than-The-Feedstore-and-Tractor-Supply, it was a bad combination.
First, Aretha & Liza have to drive the Toyota 4Runner because they don't want the Ford trucks stolen while In The City. Liza drives the 4Runner to work every day, but Aretha does not like to drive the 4Runner because it is small and not manly enough for a Diva like himself. Aretha has forgotten his gun and must borrow one from Liza. He has forgotten both his gun and his holster, thus he must wear a very cold gun in the back of his pants. Liza notes that even with his shirt tail out, it doesn't take a Rocket Scientist to figure out that Aretha Franklin has a gun in his pants. Liza decides against pointing it out because it simply isn't worth the fight. So Aretha & Liza step into the parking lot of the First Store along their journey.
Both Divas are almost run down by Soccer Moms Slurping Starbucks. Surviving that, they step inside the Book Store to find that it is a Madhouse. Liza has consumed so much coffee that she sends Aretha in search of a Border Collie Engagement Calendar while she rushes to the restroom. Certainly her mood will improve with an empty bladder. Don't bet on it! Minutes later, Liza heads out in search of Aretha. Finds Aretha in the calendar section deeping engaged in a calendar about Suicidal Bunnies. (Do what? WTF??) It must be a Guy Thing because despite Aretha's repeated attempts to interest Liza in Suicidal Bunnies, Liza is only interested in Border Collies, sunflowers, and the Lavender Fields Of Provence. Aretha has no interest in these things. Liza looks at watch. The Divas have been shopping for almost an hour and have only found things for themselves. (But no Border Collie Engagement calendars!)
Aretha points out that despite the fact that they are only at Place One of the Three Destinations they have planned for today, The Divas have piddled around so long that they no longer have time to go to Destinations Two & Three because he must return home to meet man who is supposed to buy one of the old farm trucks. (Note: this man has stood us up three times already!) Liza points out that she cautioned Aretha about piddling BEFORE the Divas left the house this morning. Aretha doesn't want to hear it. Liza is hungry. Liza is VERY HUNGRY! Liza sees a box of Godiva Chocolates. Liza wants. Liza gets. Liza throws credit card at cashier. It is now 3:30 PM and The Divas have purchased only one Christmas present.
While walking to 4Runner, Liza & Aretha are almost run over by Soccer Moms in the parking lot. Once safely in vehicle, Liza pops out a knife and demands Godiva Chocolate. Aretha informs her that she cannot eat chocolate because she has had no food and needs REAL food instead. Liza demands chocolate. NOW! Liza has a knife . . . and a gun. Aretha gives Liza the chocolate. Liza slices into box and pops a truffle in her mouth. MMMMmmmm . . . Then Liza tells Aretha that the Godiva Chocolate cost $18. Aretha screams.
Aretha then does mental math and asks Liza if she knows how many Butterfingers could have been purchased for $18. Liza pops another truffle in her mouth.
Fortified with chocolate, Liza finally notes that Aretha is becoming a Bitchy Bear. Since Liza is only one centimeter past Bitchy Bear herself, Liza announces that this vehicle will be going to the first Fast Food restaurant that The Divas pass. But . . . first they must get out of a parking lot filled with Holiday Shoppers.
Every exit is packed. Aretha suggests going to an exit behind the stores. Liza argues that no such exit exists and she refuses to get out of line to search for this Mythical Exit. Aretha and Liza scream at each other. Liza wins because she has the wheel. As they inch along, Aretha smugly points out the Mythical Exit at the other end of the parking lot. Liza points out that she is armed.
The Divas go through a Wendy's Drive-Thru. Eight dollars later and the firearms are put back up. The Divas have wasted an entire day, threatening each other and countless unwitting Holiday Shoppers and they have only purchased one present . . . and THAT is why the rest of the presents will be purchased from The Feed Store!
