Farm Fresh Blog

Have you ever had "movie moments?" You know, when someone says something, and you mentally fast forward to see what really happens.

For example:

This weekend Other Half was preparing to go out of town again. (Yes, leaving me with a blind bull, cows calving, seven dogs, and a flooded ranch.)

I beg him, "PLEASE!  While we have some help over here, let's move Paisley so she doesn't have her calf in the mud in the back pasture. Please let's move Paisley to where I can more easily handle her when she calves in the cold mud."

His response after studying Paisley's back side like a college professor is "Oh, she won't deliver for another week or two."

Fast forward to yesterday morning.

I am already in a pissy mood because he has left me with this muddy mess and jetted off to go play with his dog. My goats are living in a stock trailer because of the flooding. My ram is back in with the ewes, because of the flooding. The dogs are a muddy mess. The horses are going stir crazy in the barn. We're running out of square bales of hay. I can't unload the round bales of hay by myself, so they sit patiently waiting on a trailer. I must put on cold rubber boots that are already filled with water from the day before, AND . . . I have a murder trial to testify in as soon as the chores are done!

Sooooo . . . while slopping through the mud, I happen to look out in the back pasture and what do I see?  YES!  Paisley has had her calf!  In the cold mud! Paisley, who is dumb as a box of rocks on a good day, calved in the back pasture.  I slosh out there and sure enough, the calf is alive but very chilled.  She is shivering.  Her idiot mother is staring at her with a "What the hell is THAT" expression.

Lovely.  I look at my watch. I must be in court, 45 minutes away, in 2 hours. At this point I call Other Half and wake him up in his nice warm hotel room.

"Are you happy now?!!"

I'll spare you the rest of the conversation. This is, after all, a family friendly program. Fortunately Son is on his way to work and is able to come help me. Unfortunately, Paisley is uncooperative. We towel baby off and try to warm her up. Paisley stares at her like a teenager with a new cell phone, but she is clueless as to what to do. She refuses to follow us as we try to carry the baby to the barn.  Lovely . . .

Watch as baby attempts to nurse. Note with disgust that Paisley knocks baby down and absentmindedly kicks her in the head as she walks away. Baby shakes her head to reassemble her rattled brains.  She is okay. Her mother is a crack head.

Dear Sweet Kindly Rancher Next Door has received my panic call and is now climbing over the fence.  The cavalry has arrived. He agrees to keep an eye on the little tyke while Son and I go to our REAL JOBS!  After spending 4 hours in court, I drive BACK HOME to check on baby and let dogs take a potty break. Rancher is also returning back home and he arrives in back pasture at same time. Baby is still alive. He agrees to check on baby after his chores.  I drive 45 minutes BACK to WORK!

Rancher checks on baby. She is okay.  Son checks on baby when he gets off work.  She is okay.  I return home and check on her in the dark.  She is okay.  I get up this morning to find that baby is now alone ON THE OTHER SIDE OF A BARBED WIRE FENCE from the rest of the cows.  I cuss Other Half again.  Things would have been SOOOO much easier if Britney Spears had calved in a board arena or a pipe corral.  Attempt to feed cows in the mud. I am mugged and shoved and fall down.  Border Collie starts to climb through the fence to help. I send her back for her own safety.  I then cuss cows and Other Half and the entire cattle industry, and beef in general.

Once cattle have settled at the feeders, I head over to try to carry baby back into pasture.  She is too heavy for me to easily carry in the mud.  Get her on her feet and poke her back through barbed wire fence instead.  Success!  Paisley, the crack mother, has her head buried in a feed trough, oblivious to the fact that she even has a baby.

I walk around fence through gate to join baby on the other side. Baby lets out a cry for Paisley. That's when I hear a small tank splashing through the mud toward me. Paisley has remembered that she has a baby. Her pea brain has registered that a bi-ped has her baby and her baby is crying for her.  I see the thought of running me down flash across Paisley's small brain.  Dart behind round bale of hay to safety. Paisley joins baby and glares at me as if I tried to steal her cell phone.

Paisley then walks off as baby is trying to nurse. Baby tags along trying to grab swaying udder.

"Mom!  Wait!  Mom!  I'm hungry!"

Baby follows Paisley around pasture but finally gives up and lays down. Still hungry.

Paisley stops to examine her stalled cell phone.

I make mental note to sell Paisley.

The perfect cow mother watches this drama with great interest.

"What IS that crackhead doing?"

Snickers is a raging bear of a mother.  As a first time mother she removed her baby from the pushing and shoving at the feeder and had to be fed separately because she refused to approach the feeder, fearing for the safety of her baby.  She will run down any coyote, stray dog, or Border Collie that comes near her baby.  She will glare at all humans like a rampaging elephant. Her babies WILL survive because she sees to it that they do.

Paisley is pretty, but there is no room on this farm for a cow or sheep or goat who will not properly mother her baby. And unfortunately since she may pass on the lack of maternal instinct to the baby, we should sell her too - if she survives life with a crackhead mother.