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Monday, September 30 2013


One of the first dirty jokes I learned as a child was this:

"Wanna hear a dirty joke? ....... A white horse fell in a mud puddle!"

(Hey, that's hilarious when you're eight years old.)

     There is nothing quite like a farm to illustrate both the tragedy and the comedy in this world. Today I was blessed with the comedy. In fact, I'm still RITGLMAO (rolling in the grass laughing my ass off)

Picture this:

Take advantage of the break in the rain and feed the livestock. Briar pokes around pasture in typical Livestock Guardian Dog fashion - ooze around the stock, don't make waves. And ooze she does,

 until I call her.

Her main goal is to not ruffle feathers, well, not ruffle wool. (she doesn't care if she upsets chickens)  Nevertheless, neither she nor I am prepared for one of the calves to decide that he can bully my Livestock Guardian Dog. 


Now I know where the term comes from. Briar is minding her own business, caught up in the world of smells brought out by recent rains. The calf looks at her, sizing her up. Since she normally stays across the fence from the cattle, they are unfamiliar with the big white dog. She is a Livestock Guardian Dog, but both Briar and the calves know that guarding cattle is not part of her job description. The calf makes a fake rush at Briar.

She startles and runs backward, barking at the calf. I cuss the little bastard and am reminded that his mother hates dogs too. (must be genetic) Even seven hours away, his momma would be proud of him.

I let Briar in with the sheep and putz off to let Joe the Paint Horse out of the barn, and that's when I notice two little black butts sticking out of the barn.  Hmmmm.... I left the barn door open and now two of the calves are inside munching hay. Unfortunately for the calves, the barn door is pretty darned close to the back yard - and the Border Collie.

One calf sees the writing on the wall and beats feet. The other calf keeps right on eating. Lily has been watching all this from the gate. She misses nothing. All Border Collies should be named "Ready" because they are always 'ready for duty."

I open the gate and Lily stalks inside. By now the calf inside the barn has realized that his partner in crime has left him and he's trying to decide if he wants to follow her or stay in the barn. Lily oozes in his direction like a shadow. He glances at her but clearly doesn't take her seriously. He is more concerned about me. I stand at a distance and let Lily handle it. She glares at him. He finally notices her. I note with smug satisfaction that this is the same calf who bullied Briar. Alrightie then!

The bull calf glares back at Lily. She smiles at him, much like a serial killer. He lowers his head to give the snotty little dog a warning. After all, he sent the Big White Dawg packing, this tiny beast is barely worth his trouble. And that's when Lily launches - straight at his face.

She grabs his nose and swings all 40 pounds of her little self into the air. She lets go at the highest point of her arc, sails through the air, and lands - in a water puddle.

She goes from Border Collie Ninja to Jackie Chan in the blink of an eye.

The calf and the dog are both in shock. I'm laughing so hard it hurts Lily's feelings. Her entire left side is covered in mud. She isn't sure what to think but decides that if I'm laughing at her, it must be bad. Fortunately I'm quick to realize this and remind her that she is the Best Border Collie In The World. She recovers her dignity and stalks toward the bull calf. He trots to join the others. She starts to gather them but I call her off and congratulate her on a job well done. She shakes off the indignity and once again dons the cloak of Ninja Border Collie.  Her cloak is a little muddy, but she wears it well as she slinks back out of the pasture.

 My Precious Little Ninja

Posted by: forensicfarmgirl AT 06:34 pm   |  Permalink   |  1 Comment  |  Email
Love this story about the bully calf getting his due. Hope Lily has recovered her dignity.
Posted by Sharon on 10/12/2013 - 06:48 PM

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