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Monday, June 28 2010

Earlier last week I got the bright idea that I needed to string lights across the walkway between the house and the barn to light our path at night. I have a farm, thus, I am poor, so I can't afford fancy outdoor lighting. I must make do with Christmas lights!  Now before you get the idea that Other Half and I are The Griswald's, let me hasten to explain that I purchased four boxes of icicle lights last December and didn't get them up until last week - June.  The Clampetts we are, the Griswalds, we are not.

Why I decided to wait until the dog days of summer had arrived is beyond me.  I have no other explanantion except to admit that I am the Queen of Procrastination.  So Monday morning, with four boxes of lights in one hand and a ragged ladder in the other, I attempted to break every bone in my body at a time when no one was home to dial 911.

The goal was to loop the strings along the walkway so that the icicles hung down to add even more light.  Having done this in the past, I've found that it gives a great deal of cheap light. The problem is that I waited until the grapevines were growing all over the walkway.  (This is why this particular chore should be done in the WINTER!)

Here is how it's done in the summer:

Unroll the first string of lights.  Lots of cussing. Attempt to stand on the ground and fling the string of lights on top of the walkway's wooden beam.  Lots more cussing.  Climb the rickety ladder to adjust the strings amid the grape vines. 

This has Emergency Room trip written all over it.  By now all the dogs have gathered to watch.  Get bright idea to use wooden sheep crook to place string on beam.

This idea has merit, but the string keeps slipping off the wooden crook.  Lots, lots more cussing.  Look around yard for divine intervention. Notice that Briar has a growing pile of stolen items in the middle of the yard - 2 lead ropes, a ball, a flip flop, a dead bird, and a sock.  Hmmmm ... a sock?

Ahhh haaa!  A sock!

  An idea is born!

This works wonderfully until the sock encounters the climbing rose.  Lots more cussing.  The cussing draws the attention of someone who might be able to help.

Have Evan Almighty moment.  Remember the movie about the modern day Noah who cannot get people to help him build an ark so the animals help him instead.  (YES!!! I was sober! Hey!  It was hot!  I was tired.  I was a Bitchy Bear and nothing that day was going right.  Allow me to indulge in a little fantasy induced by the summer heat!)

 Faith plays with string of lights.

  Wish very much for an Evan Almighty moment.  It just looks so easy for her. Pick 'em up with her paw. Move 'em where she wants 'em. Walk down the beam.  It was brilliant.  Except for one little problem . . . .


Faith is a cat - a cat who quickly loses interest in games that don't involve bloodsport.

  Cats can be that way.

If you want help. If you want a true Evan Almighty moment - get a dog.

Unfortunately The Enforcer was no more able to string lights than the cat - but ONLY because he didn't have thumbs! He certainly had the desire to HELP string the lights.  I really believe that if you crossed a monkey with a good farm dog, then you'd have the best ranch hand in the world!

I miss The Enforcer.  As I was typing this, I knocked my pen off the kitchen table.  It clattered to the floor. There was silence. Four dogs were sprawled around the house and not one of them leaped up to grab the pen and bring it to me.  The Enforcer would have done that. Silly woman that I am, I actually waited for a moment to have the pen delivered to my hand.  Then I remembered.  My Evan Almighty dog was gone. And silly woman that I am, I cried again.


Posted by: forensicfarmgirl AT 06:36 pm   |  Permalink   |  0 Comments  |  Email

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