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Monday, January 03 2011

Would you kiss this face?

Look closely. Think again.

I may have to put some serious thought into it the next time he climbs in my lap. Then again . . .

If you live on a farm long enough, your standards of cleanliness change a bit.  You actually consider things that never crossed your mind before you trudged through mud and cow poop each morning. (Read: Leopard Print Underwear Rules!)

Soooo . . . I'll let you be the judge.

Load up Blue Heeler (Ranger) and Border Collie (Lily) and drive out to feed cows. Note Worthless Barn Cat standing over Suspicious Something. Order dogs to stay in truck while I step out to investigate Suspicious Something.  Blue Heeler ignores me and bounces out of truck.  Break out in a string of cuss words. (Father, forgive me!) Border Collie stares in horror. The world has stopped spinning. Someone disobeyed Mom. She is aghast at Blue Heeler's behavior.  (She is, however, used to my cussing.) Blue Heeler stops in his tracks.  Stares. ("What? You got a problem?")  Hops back in truck.  Border Collie's world begins to spin again.

Leave dogs in truck while I investigate Suspicious Something. It is a scapula, a shoulder blade.  Decide that it is a deer scapula. Son must have cleaned a deer over here.  Mystery solved.  Call dogs out of truck.  Caution them to "Leave it!" Border Collie is still upset and thus she glances at me to make sure I see that she is ignoring the Nasty Object on the ground. I smile at her.  She smiles back.  She is assured, once again, that she is The Perfect Dog. Blue Heeler stops to sniff Nasty Object.  I growl at him. He raises his eyebrow, informs me that I am a "Bitchy Bear", lifts his leg and pisses on Nasty Object.

Walk out to feed cowponies. Dogs are not allowed around cowponies because they will stomp dogs.  Tell Border Collie to "DOWN" outside the gate.  She does.  Start to tell Blue Heeler . . . Oh never mind, forget it. He races around like an idiot.  He was blessed with phenomenal athletic ability, but very few brains.  Decide that there is no point in traumatizing Border Collie by having her witness Blue Heeler repeatedly leave his stay. Thus . . .  let Little Blue Dog zoom-zoom and giggle while Border Collie holds her stay. Feed cowponies. Blue Dog dances and giggles while they try to run him down.  Ignore him and feed cowponies. Call Border Collie.  She zooms into pasture and bounces on me.  She is delighted that she held her stay.  I assure her that Yes, she is The Perfect Dog. She nods and runs to the mule.

Climb into mule beside Border Collie.  Watch Blue Heeler roll in horse poop.  Scream at him. He stands up, offended that I would speak to him in that manner. Drive to feed room.  Load up cow feed.  Drive to pasture. Border Collie grins broadly as we bounce through the mud.  Scream at Blue Heeler for rolling in horse poop again.  He stands up - offended.

Cows are crowding the gate. Remind Border Collie to stay in vehicle. Blue Heeler races through fence and into pasture. Big Red Cow chases him. Blue Heeler giggles and darts just out of reach.  Drive mule through gate.  Border Collie catches my eye to remind me that she has stayed in the vehicle. Assure her that yes, she is The Perfect Dog.  She smiles at me and snaps at cows that get too close to the mule as we drive.  Feed cows.  Scream at Blue Heeler for rolling in cow poop. He stands up - offended.

Drive back out.  Scream at Blue Heeler to keep him from jumping in the pond. Wish I had a dog crate bolted inside the bed of my pick-up. Step off mule and into deep mud puddle.  Note that Border Collie leaps over mud puddle.  She turns to smile at me.  I smile back and assure her that, yes, she is The Perfect Dog.  Call Blue Heeler.  He is dancing around the heels of Annoyed Cowpony.  Am reminded of M.C. Hammer song, "Can't touch this!" 

Go to water faucet to hose mud off boots.  Blast ice cold water on them. Turn to see Blue Heeler with Nasty Object.  Scream at him.  Forget what I am doing and blast ice cold water inside my boot.  Cuss.  Blue Heeler drops Nasty Object - offended.

Am forced to allow Blue Dog to sit on leather Lariat F250 seats. He smiles at me.  There is cow poop between his teeth.  Drive home. Sheep have already come in.  Note sheep placenta in stall.  Decide that Livestock Guardian Dog only ate part of it this morning when she cleaned up after sheep birth.  Scoop Disgusting Stringy Object up with barn rake.  Exit barn with Disgusting Stringy Object. Baby Border Collie runs right up to barn rake. With the kind of blinding speed that only a Baby Border Collie possesses, he grabs Disgusting Stringy Object off rake and runs like a Spotted Ape into the darkness.  He is Gollum, galloping through the dark with a golden ring, mumbling something about "His Precious".  I stand there, screaming like a Fishmonger's Wife with my empty barn rake.  Call Baby Border Collie.  (crickets chirping)  Blue Heeler giggles. He is right.  The clouds have parted and I see things clearly now.  On the Cootie scale, suddenly a little cow poop doesn't seem as big a deal.  Listen to the darkness.  Crickets are still chirping. 

Gollum does not come back until he has fully consumed "His Precious."   He bounces up to Other Half.  His feet are smeared with blood.  Other Half gags. Blue Heeler giggles.




Posted by: forensicfarmgirl AT 09:29 am   |  Permalink   |  7 Comments  |  Email
I very much enjoyed that story of dogs that behave and dogs that have other ideas. The answer is yes, I'd kiss that face. I really don't care what dogs have been into. If it stinks, I wash it off. Receiving kisses after eating stinky stuff---not so much.
Posted by CeeCee on 01/03/2011 - 02:15 PM
After 10 minutes of laughing so hard I cried, I realized my city dog will also find anything gross to roll in, but her farm cousins have more (should I say 'better'?) option sat their disposal!!!
Posted by Janie on 01/03/2011 - 05:58 PM
Bwahahahaha!!!! Soooo my life! My favorite is the stealth-tongue-kiss after raiding the cat poo place in the hay barn. Gagggg!
Posted by Sharon Martin-Holm on 01/03/2011 - 07:07 PM
Laughing so hard here I am crying, being the owner of 3 wild heelers I can completely relate !!! Never a dull moment .......
Posted by 3 Heelers Wild on 01/03/2011 - 07:51 PM
You absolutely made my day with this blog!! I have one question...I have a border collie...and he is the WORST at obeying anything!! Secret please! Sherri Mom to the Painter Pack
Posted by Sherri on 01/03/2011 - 08:43 PM
Clearly my Baby Border Collie doesn't give a tinker's damn about being obedient. Ironically, although Lily is very well-behaved and attentive, I've done little or no obedience work with her. (She barely has a "sit" command.) She is incredibly soft and handler-sensitive, thus, I've gotten lazy and done almost no formal obedience with her because she just always seems to do "the right thing."
Posted by forensicfarmgirl on 01/03/2011 - 09:50 PM
Oh, the joys of having so many animals. they sure do find enough mischief to get into.
Posted by jansfunnyfarm on 01/04/2011 - 03:33 PM

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