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Friday, May 27 2011

See this?

These prehistoric creatures, the size of a Volkswagon bus, are coming into my house! We're in the middle of a drought. Dinosaur Bugs are coming into the bathroom for water. This is the expected result:

Come home late from work. Change clothes. Go pee. Note gigantic bug scurry across floor, dangerously close to my toes. Leap off toilet while screaming for dogs. Snatch up plunger and attempt to smash bug the size of a hubcap as it flees room. Scare the wits out of large black dog who responded to 911 call but is now afraid of the plunger. Scream for Border Collie who comes careening into bathroom and assesses the situation just as bug races under door into another bathroom.

Fling open door in time to see bug racing underneath another door which leads to my bedroom.  Border Collie is now in hot pursuit.

Bug runs underneath armoire. Border Collie crams herself as far under armoire as possible. I thrust plunger under in vain attempt to drive bug back out into room.  After repeated attempts to smash bug without crowning Border Collie, I give up. Border Collie pulls herself out from beneath furniture. Dust bunnies are stuck to her face.  She reports that she has lost bug.  Damn!

Pat trusty dog and pull dust bunnies off her nose.  Go to bed. Get up in middle of night to pee.  See giant bug hiding behind bottle of goat milk lotion. (the bastard!) Retreat. Whisper for Border Collie.  Inform her that The Enemy is in the bathroom again. Her eyes glaze as she braces herself for combat. With plunger in hand, I pick up bottle of lotion . . .

. . . and the race is on. 

Giant bug shifts gears into four-wheel drive and scales a basket containing toothbrushes, glasses, and soap.  I hesitate to slam plunger down on him because, quite frankly, which is worse, a giant bug scurrying across your toothbrush, or a toilet plunger smashing it?  It's kinda 50/50. So . . .  I scream. 

In an amazing burst of speed Bug crosses basket and scurries down wall toward floor. With the determined look of a practiced hunter, SEAL Team 6 Border Collie snatches up bug just as he makes it to crack in cabinet. She then tosses his broken brown body across the room, returns and salutes. 

Who needs Raid when you have a Farm Collie?

By the way, some people will inform you that this is not a cockroach. It is a palmetto bug.  Forget that! I don't care how you prettify it up. This is still a Texas-size COCKROACH!

(I Googled it!  It IS a cockroach! It is the largest and fastest cockroach in the cockroach family! Eewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!)

Posted by: forensicfarmgirl AT 11:31 am   |  Permalink   |  12 Comments  |  Email
I really, really want you to put this on FB so I can share it on my page :) This is hilarious - I had my ES on roach duty last night in the garage LOL!
Posted by sharon on 05/27/2011 - 11:57 AM
After reading this, I think I should stop complaining about frequent rains that make the lush green grass grow so fast in my yard. Border Collie, Inc. is such an impressive company of dogs at your farm -- they can do just about anything you need!
Posted by Terri's Pal on 05/27/2011 - 12:53 PM
Lol! I feel your pain - those aliens are a common occurrence at my house too. Fortunately, we have 3 cats - we call them the "verminators." Mostly we see DEAD aliens, or badly injured ones. They don't last long once they get into the house. Hah, take THAT, evil bugs!
Posted by Valerie on 05/27/2011 - 05:17 PM
.... " This is still a Texas-size COCKROACH! " AMEN to that!!! I once chased one of these critters that, I swear, was big enough to throw a saddle on. God bless Border Collie.
Posted by Janet on 05/27/2011 - 05:27 PM
I don't know HOW to put it on Facebook. Show me and I'll do it! I'm Facebook-Challenged!
Posted by forensicfarmgirl on 05/27/2011 - 06:16 PM
I'm coming to Austin/San Antonio in mid July. Any suggestions of which we should spend more time in. Also now I'm worried I'm not bringing the border collie with me. Entering Texas unprotected! :)
Posted by Pam on 05/27/2011 - 06:58 PM
Awesome! You will LOVE Texas (well, maybe not in July . . . the heat is wretched!) I love the Riverwalk in San Antonio, and Sea World, and the Alamo! Austin totally rocks too. Austin is like the "California" of Texas. Both towns are fantastic in different ways. As for entering Texas without a Border Collie... I cannot imagine going on vacation without my BC! I'm not sure my pickup truck will go into DRIVE if my BC is not my co-pilot. . .
Posted by forensicfarmgirl on 05/27/2011 - 07:29 PM
You have giant roaches. Since the rain (plenty of it at last) the huntsmen spiders are coming in out of the wet. I sleep next a window and there was one on the flyscreen (inside) as I can't move easily at this time hollered for help and Boston son in law turned up with large glass jar and lid and recycled him outdoors. This kid was scared of spiders when he came here 4 yrs ago.
Posted by Liz (Vic Aust.) on 05/27/2011 - 09:23 PM
Posted by forensicfarmgirl on 05/28/2011 - 11:11 AM
Phoenix has Derobrachus geminatus. The popular name is Palo Verde Beetle. I'm not sure if the "Beetle" part is a scientific thing or if it is because the things are the size of Volkswagen Beetles...6 to 8 inches long and a spiny neck....and they fly. I had one land in my hair. They aren't harmful or even painful to people, but it still caused "the mouse dance".
Posted by Eric on 05/28/2011 - 11:15 AM
To put it on Facebook - just copy the url to this post, go to Facebook and at the top (where you share a status), click "Link", then paste in the url. After you click the Attach button, you'll be able to add a comment before you finalize it by clicking Share.
Posted by Valerie on 05/28/2011 - 02:49 PM
Ahhh. . . I am quite familiar with the "mouse dance" as I have one I call the "rat dance" where I jump up and down, dancing in place, pointing, and screaming "Get it! Get It! GET IT!" This is a 911 call to the dogs. I gotta try that Facebook thing. We'll see how it works out!
Posted by forensicfarmgirl on 05/30/2011 - 12:38 PM

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