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Monday, May 21 2012



     Today, on my day off, I was in court talking to an officer that I worked a case with five years ago. We met briefly on a murder and hadn't seen each other since. Since she had been working patrol in a particularly active part of the city at that time, I asked if she was still there.

"Oh no! I needed a rest. I got tired. I'm in a desk job now and I love it. It's so relaxing. I don't miss the action one bit!"

     I chewed on that for a minute. Mulled it over in my head. Before I became a crime scene investigator, I had been working in a particularly active unit, running narcotics and felony warrants. The crime scene unit was a rest for me too, so I understood where she was coming from.  Then I thought about my yesterday, my - day off.

It went like this:

Other Half works Saturday night from 6:00 PM to 6 AM Sunday morning. He gets to bed at 6:30 AM.

At 7:30 AM my mother calls to inform me that a water pipe on her well has burst and now water is spewing from the pump house like a geyser. A neighbor has turned the well off. My day begins.

Get up and do ranch chores. Allow Other Half to sleep.

Wake Other Half up at 9:30 AM so he can throw some clothes on and come to paint store with me to pick up 16 gallons of paint for Mom's house. He is grumpy. Well DUH! Drive into Paint Store Parking Lot just as employee is unlocking door.  Give him order for 16 gallons of paint. He informs us that he does not have the requested paint. Point out that he assured us LAST weekend when we tried to buy it that he would have it THIS weekend when he told us the paint would go on sale for 30% off and we should wait. Since we were the first customers of the 30% sale, and we ordered it LAST weekend, surely they had the paint.  They did not.  Make another selection.  OKAY!  Nervously note Other Half making coffee in store. He is fiddling with coffee pot. Quiet. Too quiet.

     Wait for him to go Batshit Crazy on Employee. He does not. He is that tired. Okay then. Make another selection.

     Employee mixes paint. We load it and take it to the painters who are already working on Mom's house.

     Unload paint. Trek to pump house to examine damage. Yep. Pipe is broken. (Had a pinprick leak for a long time anyway. We knew it was inevitable.) Trek to Home Depot, aka Man Mecca. Other Half is too tired to enjoy it.  Get another pipe and fresh glue. Return to Mom's house. Fix pipe.

     Take Other Half by Kentucky Fried Chicken to pick up a bucket for lunch before he heads back to bed. Arrive at home.

      While giving dogs a potty break, note that our water well pump keeps kicking on and off.  Rut Roh!  Since no one is doing laundry, that is a bad sign.  (In my business, we call this a "clue.")

     Trot out to pasture. Yessir! My horse, Montoya, has taken the automatic float value waterer out of the water trough again. Water is spewing everywhere. He has been watering the pasture while we were gone.  Lovely. Turn off water to pasture and decide to deal with that tomorrow.

     Trot back to house. Other Half has food on plates and is settling in front of the television to watch the Preakness horse race which he has taped on television. He has fried chicken in one hand and a remote in the other. That's a man with a Do Not Disturb sign if I ever saw one. Get my food and settle on couch to watch horse race.

     Note Cowboy the Slightly Deranged Border Collie racing back and forth along the fence in the back yard.


     He is running after horses that are not only not moving, they don't even know (or care) that he is there. Go back to horse race on television.

     Pretty horses. Pretty colors. Note that outside Deranged Border Collie is continuing to move back and forth past window.  Go back to pre-race show. Pretty horses/pretty colors. Happen to note Deranged Border Collie hasn't passed window in a while.  Hmmmm... should I even care?

     Something, some niggling something in the back of my mind, moved me off the couch. I peeked out the window.

     What I saw was a scene from some absurd Disney movie.


     Cowboy had apparently run up and down the fence line and smacked right into the water spigot - and snapped the PVC pipe in two. Yes, water was spewing and cowboy was playing like a city child in a fire hydrant.

Oh. My. Gosh.

I looked at Other Half, happy with his remote and his fried chicken.  And then something completely insane crossed my mind.

"Dear God, Thank you that it was his dog, and not one of mine. Thank you that it was his dog and not my horse. Thankyouthankyouthankyou."

And then I called Other Half to the window. He stood there, mouth slack, watching his dog play in the spray. At this point I should advise you that Cowboy is lucky Other Half was holding a remote control and not a gun. I'm just sayin', that's all.

It took almost two hours to repair the TWO pipes that Cowboy had snapped off. One pipe was above ground and the other was under a foot and a half of soppy mud. It was ugly.  Other Half and I almost killed each other.  I think we both deserve gold stars for not beating the crap out of each other with shovels. It says something about our self control, don'tcha think? 

But the day didn't end there!  No!  Now Other Half, who has had only a few hours of sleep, must GO TO WORK!  Yes! He must take a shower and GO TO WORK a 12 hour shift.

But it doesn't end there! (this is like surreal info-mercial!)  He gets ready to go to work and cannot find his truck keys! We spend almost an hour looking for his keys. He is not a happy man. He finally goes to work, undoubtedly relieved to leave the house. I get animals fed and settled and head to bed. After all, I have to get up early (on my day off!) and testify in court.

So this morning I sat across the table from a police woman who told me about how life was soooo much less stressful now that she had a desk job. I pondered that for a moment, reflected on yesterday, and decided that a desk job probably wouldn't do much for the stress in my life.

And I still want a gold star for not smacking him in the head with a shovel for throwing mud at the horse. I'm just sayin'.

Posted by: forensicfarmgirl AT 08:22 pm   |  Permalink   |  8 Comments  |  Email
Nope, doesn't sound like a desk job would do much for your stress level. Maybe apartment living with one tiny dog would help? Question: I know Montoya's a genius, but isn't there some way to jury-rig the water trough so he can't reach the float?
Posted by CeeCee on 05/22/2012 - 08:26 AM
Maybe this thing??;ft1_livestock_equipment-ft1_livestock_watering_equipment-ft1_livestock_troughs;pgwd1190.html
Posted by CeeCee on 05/22/2012 - 08:28 AM
One dog. One cat. 1/2 acre of fast growing grass and dandelions. That's all that I can cope with (yes, I do get odd plumbing, water heater, rodent-tunnel-building problems ...). I know my limitations - just reading your adventures can wipe me out!
Posted by Terri's Pal on 05/22/2012 - 09:21 AM
LMAO! I wish I had 2 HUGE gold start to send you guys!
Posted by shawna on 05/22/2012 - 02:15 PM
Ahhh yes, the beautiful, pastoral, bucolic farm life. So quaint and serene, I know it well. Well done on not killing each other, it would so spoil the stereotype:)
Posted by KM on 05/22/2012 - 03:15 PM
Had frantic phone calls yesterday re my dog was out. GROAn have not paid last pound fee. After some tooing and froing on phones turns out there is a new Maremma (LGD) on block who constantly gets out. Collective sigh from dual dog owner across the valley and me about my 3. We now have 6 in the area. Country life is bliss?????? would we swapp NOPE.
Posted by Liz (Vict. Aust,) on 05/22/2012 - 07:28 PM
Forgive me, but I'm rolling on the floor if you get my drift. I don't know how you can make such a day run like a comedy in my mind.However, now that I have had time to seriously think about it, I will no longer covet every time I drive past a (as KM put it) a "beautiful, pastoral bucolic 'farm.
Posted by Janet on 05/22/2012 - 07:56 PM
I had to laugh at this post I saw on Facebook that reminded me of Robby and I fixing that pipe. It read: "Marriage is like a deck of cards. You start out with two hearts and a diamond, and end up wishing for a club and a spade!"
Posted by forensicfarmgirl on 05/23/2012 - 08:34 PM

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